Recently, I met my sister at a cafe for coffee. I saw a new log of lolly cake in the cabinet and ordered a piece to take home for my son. My sister spotted that, of all the pieces, I’d been given the small end-piece, rather than a full-sized one with plenty of lolly bits in it. I was low on energy that day and didn’t want to make a fuss so decided not to say anything. But my sister showed none of my hesitation. She politely and directly asked for a different piece. The server brought me a new one and even let me keep the little end-piece too. No one made a fuss.
My sister made asking for what she (I) wanted look easy. If I’d taken it up with the staff myself, I would’ve done so with a flutter of nerves in my stomach and very apologetically. I would’ve begun by apologising for their mistake. “I’m sorry, but…”
Ironically, on the way to the cafe I’d been listening to an audiobook about confidence. In it, the author discusses how over-apologetic women often are because of our conditioning. She encourages us not to apologise when it’s not needed - which is, actually, most of the time and certainly not when the other person is responsible.
So, this week, I’ve been catching myself about to apologise unnecessarily. And I’ve caught a lot of fish.
The easiest place to catch myself has been when writing emails or text messages. I can reread written message before pushing “send” whereas, when I’m speaking, the apology slips out before I know what I’m saying.
Things I’m Not Sorry For
Here is a sampling of some of the things I’m not sorry for this week -
I’m not sorry for asking you, the customer service person at the library, to give me customer service.
I’m not sorry for not asking how to order a repeat prescription from your pharmacy.
I’m not sorry for asking you to clarify what you mean by that.
I’m not sorry for sending this email because, frankly, I wouldn’t be sending it if you’d replied within the necessary timeframe.
I’m not sorry for asking you to organise a different appointment time, especially as it stated in my previous message that I wasn’t available at the time you allotted me.
Sorry for my venting in the last two. Actually, no, I’m not.
By watching myself, I’ve learned that it’s not always the words “I’m sorry” that indicate an apology. Sometimes, I say something more vague, intended to soften my message so I don’t look too demanding. For example, I began over-thanking someone for doing an administrative job that was theirs to do. I also started giving an organisation I applied to volunteer for an “out” from training and appointing me, almost apologising for my offer to help. I had to re-write both emails.
Why Am I Apologising?
Being on alert for inappropriate apologies, I realised that “I’m sorry” is just one of several tactics I use to be as little trouble as possible, to be as little as possible. I spent a large portion of my younger life feeling apologetic for my existence, as if I was an inconvenience and an irritation to others. I didn’t believe that my needs and, particularly, my wants, were important enough to bother other people with. I’ve seen this week the extent to which I’ve internalised feminine norms of being accommodating, calm and, above all, nice (yuck!). I’ve still got a lot of work to do.
Until now, I’ve leaned on apologies, qualifiers and softeners to be able to say what I have to say. They make it easier because I’m not risking others’ approval when I buffer my message with these phrases. But using them is a bad habit I’m ready to break. Stepping out of my nice-girl persona and being more direct puts me at risk of disapproval but, now that I’m middle-aged, I don’t want the approval of others as much as I want to approve of myself. And one way I can demonstrate my worth to myself is by speaking up for the things I need and want. Without apology.
Postscript: Since drafting this piece, I’ve had to take my jeans back to the tailor as they hadn’t altered the jeans correctly. I managed to have the whole conversation without apologising once.
What’s true for you?
(Prompts for your journal or the comments)
What resonated with and what ruffled you as you read this piece?
Are you a chronic apologiser? If so, why do you think you’ve become one?
What things can you stop apologising for?
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