Just Because I'm Hormonal...
doesn't mean I shouldn't be taken seriously (maybe I should be taken more seriously)
More than once, I’ve heard it reported that divorce rates are highest for women right around the time they’re going through perimenopause and menopause. Whenever I hear this, I think to myself that, statistically, that means I’m in the highest-risk category for divorce. I mull this fact over as I stack the dishwasher. I don’t feel like my marriage is at risk of divorce but what conclusion do we make from this correlation between our hormones and our divorces? -
That 45-55-year-old women are making rash, hormone-driven decisions?
That we’re not getting the support we need from our husbands to navigate what can be a very turbulent time?
Or that going through menopause has prompted us to do a mid-life stocktake and we’re finally admitting the true state of our relationships?
The reports I’ve seen don’t actually say what it is we should conclude but I’m proposing that it might be the latter.
Throughout our lifespans, people (mostly men) have told women that we’re “being hormonal” to insult and dismiss us. These words instantly invalidate our experiences and perspectives. They imply that, somehow, our hormonal fluctuations cause us to make things up and that nothing we say could really be true or worth taking into account. I experienced this as early as 13. A college student in the early 90s, if a female classmate or I expressed displeasure in some way, our male counterparts would ask us if we had our period. Already our voices were being discredited and our biology used against us.
I’ve found that, when navigating hormonally vulnerable times, whether it be due to puberty, pre-menstrual syndrome or perimenopause, I lose some of my ability to filter myself. Social conditioning has women constantly making adjustments to ourselves so that we might be palatable to everyone else, whether we’re aware of doing so or not. But, when my hormones are shifting, the facade can crack and how I really feel leaks out. Sometimes it’s a surprise to me what comes out.
On occasion, it’s been more like an explosion than a leak - similar to a dam breaking. I’m engulfed by anger or hurt or frustration to an extent that it voices itself without waiting for my permission. But, even if my words are clumsy or harsh, I feel better when they’re out. Sometimes I apologise for the way they come out - but never for what I say.
Because, just because something doesn’t come out nicely, doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Our hormones don’t make us irrational, they help us to see the truth.
It’s kind of a clever in-built mechanism, a release valve.
When it comes to menopausal divorcees, maybe they reach a point where they can’t tolerate the issues in their relationships any longer because they’re sleep-deprived, their brains are foggy and their bodies hurt. Just in case my words are misconstrued, this is not to say that men are hopeless husbands and women are seeing the light at menopause. My point is that, if there are problems, menopause forces women to be honest with themselves (about their marriages as well as about other aspects of their lives ). With the inner and outer resources they’ve built throughout half a century of life, they’re often in a position to finally do something about it.
What’s true for you?
(Prompts for your journal or the comments)
What resonated with you and what ruffled you as you read this piece?
Do you think there could be any truth to the idea that our hormones can help us to be more honest with ourselves and, therefore, others?
What other factors do you think could be influencing the peak in divorces when women are aged 45-55?
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I really appreciate you shining a light on the psychological load a woman takes on in trying to adjust herself to be palatable to society. It doesn't take much for a woman to be considered 'difficult', even by other women. Add the extra load of managing the impacts of hormonal changes to the constant adjusting and it's no wonder the truth comes tumbling out. Thanks for helping clarify my thinking around this. xx