Have You Lost Weight?
Should we comment on another person's weight loss? (And, of course, the Taylor Swift video)
When I entered the treatment room of the spa, I was met by a woman wearing a medical mask and a white coat who greeted me with a familiarity that made me a little uncomfortable. As I wondered where my usual beauty therapist was, she proceeded with the appointment in a manner that suggested she knew me. It took me a minute or two to realise that she was my usual therapist. I hadn’t seen her hair unstraightened before and the shape of her face, partially hidden by the mask, looked different. I quickly computed that the reason I didn’t recognise her was that she’d lost a lot of weight since my last appointment.
I tried not to show that I hadn’t immediately recognised her and we continued the session, chatting in the breezy way we usually did. In my head, though, I spent the length of my appointment trying to decide whether to say anything about the change in her weight.
On One Hand…
“You’re looking good, have you lost weight?”
Many women still use this phrase as a compliment. The implication, however, is that slimmer is better. There was no doubt my therapist had lost weight but I didn’t want to give her positive reinforcement for shrinking herself to fit society’s idea of beauty. I didn’t want her to think that the size or shape of her body mattered to anyone other than herself. I didn’t want to make any comments that might be misconstrued as suggesting she was better for having lost weight or that she should keep going to the lengths she had to lose more.
On the Other Hand…
By not saying anything, I wasn’t acknowledging something she would’ve put months of hard work into, something she might have considered an important personal achievement. Likely, her journey to a smaller size had required a lot of headspace, restriction and time. It felt unsupportive to pretend that I hadn’t noticed her weight loss. Not that it’s my job to boost my beauty therapist’s confidence but I do believe women should lift one another.
Caught in the Crossfire
Perhaps my internal conflict about this reflects my age. I grew up in a society that preferred women skinny - sickly so. (Think 90s heroin chic). My therapist is probably a decade younger than me and society’s attitudes towards bodies are beginning to change (for the better, I think) but we’re in the messy middle at the moment, caught in the crossfire of perspectives.
Consider the public response to Taylor Swift’s recent video for her song Anti-Hero. In the video, she explores her self-hatred by acting out some of her nightmare scenarios. One such scenario is of stepping onto a scale and having it read “fat”. This had some viewers accusing Taylor of fatphobia. They made some important points that I hope raised people’s understanding of fatphobia but I don’t think this was a case of fatphobia. Instead of accusing Taylor of being irresponsible, viewers need to take responsibility for receiving the video in the way it was intended and for considering that snippet within the context of the whole video.
The song is journal-like. Taylor uses it to express her real feelings, uncensored, as she would in a journal entry. She doesn’t comment on the size of other people but works through her own struggles with herself. The way I see it, she serves the audience with her honesty. Like her, we’ve been conditioned to believe slimmer is better and many of us are taunted by the ways our bodies don’t stack up. The video externalises what we experience on the inside which both makes us feel less alone and raises awareness of the social change still needed.
Taylor chose to change the video to appease the section of her audience who couldn’t handle her truth. She watered her self-expression down to quieten the critics (another thing women are conditioned to do).
A different element of the confusion we have around weight is associated with the rise of the fitness and wellness industries. They conflate size with health but the truth is far more nuanced. Uncharacteristically, I recently questioned a personal trainer in the comments of one of her social media posts. To demonstrate her success as a trainer, she’d shared her client’s “improvement” by using body measurements (weight, waist circumference, etc). I have no problem with her using before-and-after stats as testament to her ability as a trainer. However, I’d rather she’d have shown how much further her client could run or how much heavier they could lift or how much more energy they had after training with her. It’s not the size of our bodies that makes us healthy or not, it’s the way we live in our bodies.
As these examples show, it’s a bewildering time to be grappling with issues around body size. I’m hoping this confusion is, at least, part of the necessary messiness required to transition into a healthier understanding of ourselves and our bodies.
So, What did I Say to My Beauty Therapist?
I chose not to say anything to my therapist about her weight loss. I may not have recognised her at first but I did recognise that her body wasn’t my business.
What’s true for you?
(Prompts for your journal or the comments)
What resonated with and what ruffled you as you read this piece?
Was it necessary for Taylor Swift to change her video? Why?
Is it supportive or unsupportive to compliment someone on their weight loss?
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Postscript - She’s not my beauty therapist (I don’t have one!). I changed her occupation to protect her anonymity.
A few years ago I commented on a friends Facebook photo (in a private message because I wanted to express my deep deep admiration and get some advice) about her superb weight loss (she was always a bit overweight). We hadn’t seen each other in several years (lived at different cities at that point) Then she began to reveal her horrific struggle with stage 4 cancer. Than at the end of her conversation she said ‘now you are sorry you asked’... i am more careful since and try to say things like you look well rested or something like that. As someone who has/is still obsessing about my weight I am always pleased when I see younger women flaunting their curves with obvious confidence in their bodies. I spent my whole life wanting to be thinner no matter the weight (i was never even overweight) It is an enormous pressure and waste of my mental energy. I really enjoyed reading this piece.